We are a species of social animals. Throughout our history people have hunted, foraged, defended themselves, and raised children in groups — always much more effectively than they could have as solitary individuals. As people’s survival and reproductive success were dependent on their place within their social group, a family of instincts evolved which can be thought of as our social needs.
Our strongest social need is probably the need to belong. This gets satisfied when we’re a part of an integrated social group in which other people in the group care what happens to us and we care about them. This could be a family, a circle of friends, or a group of people who work together, or pursue a special interest together. We need to feel accepted by them – to get attention from them and feel their concern for us – and we need to reciprocate with our own feelings of concern. Our sense of belonging can be a potent source of pleasure, while exclusion from a social group can bring about powerful feelings of distress that involve the same brain pathways as those involved in physical pain.
We also have a need to have respect and status. Unlike the need to belong, which is established very early on (even infants need to feel loved by the adults who care for them), this need kicks in progressively as we develop and grow towards maturity. It can be seen in childhood tussles in the playground, but it is not normally until adolescence that people begin to strive to achieve significant status within their communities — perhaps by seeking fame, or wealth, or perhaps by working diligently towards a place in society where they will be held in high regard. It seems likely that, as well as a person’s status being instrumentally valuable in giving them access to society’s resources, it is also intrinsically rewarding. It feels good to be admired or to be powerful, while being at the bottom of a social hierarchy is inherently unpleasant.
It is a universal feature of human beings that we establish territories. It seems that people have an instinctive need to have a piece of territory in which they are dominant and where they can determine what takes place.
We also seem to have an instinctive need to make a contribution to our social groups. Again, it feels good to do things for other people, and it feels bad to be unable to do so. When people are unemployed for extended periods of time, the feelings of uselessness that come from not being able to contribute to society can be as damaging to a person as the economic effects that come from the loss of income.
And we have a need for long-term intimacy which, though often satisfied by the same person that meets our sexual needs, is separate from those needs. The adolescent urge to find a sweetheart grows into an adult desire for a partner to share life’s journey with.